Sparing the Rod

As a mom I often feel like the luckiest person in the world. Other times like a complete and clueless idiot. Tonight I feel like a total jerk AND an ass.

The older generation can't seem to stop reminding us that we are raising our own children completely wrong. That we empower them too much.  That we wield too little authority over them. That all that reasoning with our young children is just a one-way ticket  to nowhereland. The Because-I- Said-So generation tells us  that,  like they did with their kids back in the day, we ought to occasionally give our own kids a serious whack in the butt. MacDaddy and I don't have very similar parenting styles. One has a more freestyle fun approach and the other is  well, umm , a bit on the strict side. I don't need to tell you who's who. That's not rocket science and that's really not my point.   Fortunately, MacDaddy and I are on the same page about  most other parenting issues.  The one thing we are in total agreement about is that we will not lay a hand on the children. No slipper whacking on their behind, our belts stay securely around our own pants.

Over the last couple of years, I have had bit of a problem with Mak biting his brother.  It has happened quite a number of times and he knows that really gets my goat. We sit down and talk about it and he gets serious time out.  At the end I put two of my fingers together and press it on his mouth with just enough pressure to show him I will not stand for it  but not powerful enough to break my own personal code. I always hate having to do that but I also need him to know some things are just not okay. I find my mom-self on the see-saw again not wanting  to bring up future monsters but not wanting to have to  be  a monster to get that to happen.  

Tonight tucked into my bed because MacDaddy is away, and with the lights out because it was well past our bedtime, Mak started to jeer and shout and heckle while Tato was telling us a story.  I asked him to stop but I only got more heckling.  As I stretched out my arm  to put my fingers firmly against his lips I didn't realize he sat up from bed that very  instant and my arm forcefully hit him across the neck.  It didn't matter that I didn't mean it.  Not to either of us. So much for the attempt to silence him. His cry was that type of cry  you just knew his heart was hurting way more than anything else. I really did want to cry more. I said my sorries because no one is ever too big to say it and really there was no one sorrier than me.  

I know  for certain I don't want to have to hit my children to get a point across. I know for certain I want to earn their respect, not demand it. I know for certain I want to bring up  secure, kind happy children who will know for certain that they don't need a heavy hand to teach anyone anything. Is that so freaking impossible?

Happy Bodhisattva

I once commented, Buddhism seems to be such a beautiful belief system. Someone said back, among all the religions it's the one that encapsulates best what it is to be a good person. Exactly. This came to mind as Pappy and I took some we-time to usher in the Chinese New Year in Singapore. See...

We also found this little laughing buddha... or shall we say future Bodhisattva? in Dempsey Hill. I think he's adorable.

Copy-pasted from somewhere: To become a Bodhisattva is to be fearless. There is no aversion for those who are hostile and there is no obsessive clinging to those who are closest to us. There is no possessiveness, only love, compassion and discernment into the nature of reality.

Now that is something to strive for. But is it really possible? I mean, we are all so imperfect, how can we love perfectly? All I know is, it really helps when you can work on it with someone you can have beers and pig out with...

And if you are raising children together! There are many things I still hope for, but I know I am already so blessed.

The chance to get-away is awesome. The best part is coming home.

Parenting Workshop with Dr. Honey Carandang

News of this workshop was shared by a friend and so I thought of spreading the word here. Please check out the flyer below. Hope everyone's having a good weekend with the family!

Parenting is Nation-Building

Parenting nowadays is not as simple as it was before. There are more stressors that impact on our families such as the internet, computer games, exposure to violence, the emergence of non-traditional families due to separation and overseas migration, challenging school and workload, and even heavy traffic!

We now need to make more informed decisions and learn to parent with mindfulness.

We are inviting you to a whole afternoon of listening, learning, and sharing as we discuss parenting across the different stages.  This workshop is open to all who are taking care of children including single parents, teachers, social workers, counselors and even those who are now parenting their parents.

Together, we can work towards building fully functional, healthy families which can serve as the foundation of our beloved Philippines.

To build a solid nation, we must start with our families. So come to

Parenting is Nation-Building

with Speaker and Facilitator

Ma. Lourdes “Honey” A. Carandang, Ph.D.

February 17, 2011, 1-6pm 

Club Filipino, Greenhills

Workshop fee is P4,000. To make sure you have a slot, a reservation of P2,000 must be paid on or before January 28, 2011. For further details please call 5699726 or 7210498, or email mlac.institute@gmail.com

*Proceeds will go to parenting workshops for poor families in Pansol, Daang Tubo, and Marytown, Quezon City.

Mother Superior

Amy Chua with her daughters. Photo from The WSJ.

There's a column in the Wall Street Journal by writer Amy Chua that I've been going back to for the last 3 days because of the reaction it's been getting on its comment thread. It's entitled Why Chinese Mothers are Superior. Really, that is the title. I want to give her cheeky editor a high-five. Thank you Bambi for sending the link. Interesting is an understatement!

So far, the column has garnered more than 3000 comments, and counting. Lots of not-too-happy commenters there, many of them Asian, particularly Chinese. Some of the comments I'm reposting here:

Xiao Chen:

I'm glad my mother didn't raise me up like this. She's always just wanted me to be happy with what I decide. If I've made a wrong decision or a mistake, she encouraged me to clean it up and right my wrongs. So what if your daughter can play the Little White Donkey perfectly, she could have been doing something more productive with friends, while developing her social skills and gaining her perspectives at the same time. Like the old Chinese saying, "One would find a teacher among three friends". I sincerely hope that you will allow your daughter to have more play time. No boyfriends, no dates, that part I can understand. But no sleepovers, no school plays, no A minuses? You have gotta be joking. So you are just trying to shove your kids into the stereotypical mold that we are trying to get out of -- nerdy, anti-social, cold, nonathletic, etc

How about taking your daughters to the Salvation Army or Wheeler mission, to give back to the society? We are by far one of the worst groups in regards to charity work and donations.

And no, not all Chinese mothers are like this, and thank God!

Anieh Yohbadad:

I never thought I would say this, but Ms. Chua should be ashamed. Asian American young women have an abnormally high suicide and depression rate, and according to those who study the phenomenon, most of that has to do with fascist parenting. It is utterly irresponsible and, frankly, disgusting, to ignore that in a piece highlighting and promoting that style of parenting. I sincerely hope that her daughters get counseling and help if they need it (and based on this piece, they just might).

Richard Chin:

This article should be titled "Why Psycho Mothers Are Superior." There are weird people in every culture, and trust me, this woman is not normal in any culture.

Of course, it's best to read the article yourself and see how it strikes you. I'd really like to know if you think ordering your kids to get straight A's (A- unacceptable), or motivating your child with statements such as hey fatty, lose some weight constitute superior parenting. Her style of parenting may  produce people who make lots of money, corporate-types, academics, doctors, lawyers, and music proteges. But while it's great to be rich, work in a top-tier corporation, be a doctor or lawyer, there is more to life... What if your child wants other career options? What about loving your work and being happy and fulfilled? 

Look at her explanation as to why Chinese children in America never, ever get Bs. 

If a Chinese child gets a B—which would never happen—there would first be a screaming, hair-tearing explosion. The devastated Chinese mother would then get dozens, maybe hundreds of practice tests and work through them with her child for as long as it takes to get the grade up to an A.

Chinese parents demand perfect grades because they believe that their child can get them. If their child doesn't get them, the Chinese parent assumes it's because the child didn't work hard enough. That's why the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish and shame the child. The Chinese parent believes that their child will be strong enough to take the shaming and to improve from it.

And if the child is a little emotionally vulnerable to  being excoriated, punished and shamed? Perhaps that's just not acceptable as well. 

Another thing that glares at me: I think Amy Chua holds little value for creativity, imagination and inspiration. The kind of sparks that hit a young Bill Gates when he was allowed to play with computers, Martin Scorsese when he  watched his first good movie, Michael Phelps when he hit the pool, Jose Rizal when he created his first comic stories, Einstein when he was allowed to layoff rote memorization to figure things out for himself.  

Me, I believe in imagination and creativity. Yes, kids have to learn to persevere and persist. Definitely, life can be a struggle and kids need to learn how to deal with it and work hard. But no, I am not "overriding their preferences" as Mother Superior prescribes so that they can "learn to love" what they are "supposed" to.  

It is possible to put in a good days work, even struggle with it, but at the end of the day, be happy about it. Because we chose our own path. Because we were inspired to get there. Not because a strident, perfectionist, screaming mother told us we should.

The Science of Kids

I was in for a few enlightening shockers, thanks to this book.

The central premise of this book is that many of modern society's strategies for nurturing children are in fact backfiring - because key twists in the science have been overlooked.

NurtureShock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman deftly tackles key issues facing all parents. Some issues you probably thought were non-issues, but are actually worth pondering. Like how praise can harm your child. How old-school methods of instilling honesty can backfire and encourage lying. How an additional hour of sleep at night could spell the difference between a sullen, angry, ADHD-diagnosed teen and one that's happy and doing well in school. A chapter called The Science of Teen Rebellion explains why arguing can actually be a sign of respect and a healthy parent-child relationship. You'll see what researchers discovered about Filipino teens and why they tend to have better relationships with their folks as opposed to the American teens observed in the same study. Read about Tools of the Mind - a preschool program that was developed to hone preschoolers executive function. Yes, it seems self-control can be taught!

All that is just a teaser. There's plenty more to discover.

Experiments on human nurturing. Don't drop the test tube!

The book quotes a lot of science. Many times, Bronson and Merryman were first-hand observers to the studies they cite. They explain things so well, you'll be riveted. It gave me a lot of aha moments. In this day and age of hovering helicopter parents (okay, guilty!) - sometimes we just have to relax, lay-off the over-protecting and just let our kids be kids. I am still hovering though, as I'm not about to miss out on anything during their growing up years. I'm just working harder to keep an open mind and gain better perspective.

We're pretty lucky to be parents these days as there is so much science, research and experience to take from. But ultimately, the book made me realize... while many aspects of child rearing can now be put down to a science, much of parenting is still an art - the most challenging balancing act of all time. Read it and you'll find out why.

Moms and Facebook

I have yet to take the plunge. My own MammaMia has beaten me to the draw and is a true blue facebooker. She has been for some time. While I'm pretty sure she's not on it to keep tabs on Li'l Bro's whereabouts and what-abouts, it seems a few moms can. And probably do. This video takes it to a whole other level (think: creepy) and is done in jest, of course, but does a great job of showing us how social networking sites are changing the face of mothering...of parenting in general. And this isn't necessarily a bad thing. Just a new thing. If used right, I think its a cool tool to stay connected. This is the 21st century, after all. Moms, take this with a grain of salt. But I suggest you do NOT try this at home.

Oh and Nona, if I do finally get bitten by the facebook bug this could very well be you and me in forty years. With less wrinkles. I hope.

extreme parenting

This looks like an interesting movie about "finding home", and I'm guessing it's going to end up "where the heart is". Your cue to roll eyes now. Anyway... Dave Eggers and Vendela Vida write, Sam Mendes directs Away We Go. The trailer alone gives you a look at extreme kinds of parenting - from the extremely devil-may-care: we're just white noise to them..., to the extremely over-zealous:

Exaggerated New Age Mama to her husband: They gave us a stroller...

Male Protagonist Who Gave Stroller: What's wrong with strollers?

Exaggerated New Age Mama: I LOOVE my babies why would I want to PUUSSH them away from me?

That was funny. Now is there really such a parenting philosophy that considers strollers evil? Watch the trailer to see what I mean.

I know, it kind of looks like a mom and dad mush-fest with a lot of annoying people on the side. But hey, sometimes that's actually MY life. Maybe yours too? Besides, it's a trip to make fun of annoying people. Looks like my kind of movie, plus Sam Mendes and Dave Eggers are involved.

the princess parent

Alyssa Dawn via Flicker

Princess Pedestal: How many girls are on one? , an article by Martha Irvine, is leaving many asking: Am I a princess parent? Is this princess mania consuming me?

All the pink, frilly and sparkly — from the princess dresses to the four-foot-high pink castle in the playroom — isn't necessarily what Caroline Morris would choose for her eldest daughter.

She doesn't want to stop her 6-year-old from being who she is. But as princess fever has reached a new high with this generation of girls, she and other parents are feeling the urge to rein in the would-be reigning ones, just a little.

"But what happens when our daughters get to adulthood and they realize that the world isn't a fairy tale?" asks Morris, who lives in suburban Atlanta and insists she doesn't mind imaginative play. She just wants her girls to strive for something beyond being "pretty and glamorous."

You can read the article in its entirety here.

Now go watch Dad Labs where Daddies Brad and Clay take on the princess challenge. See how their stash will stack up against each other and maybe even your own. Plus listen in on what Jeremy Adam Smith, author of The Daddy Shift, has to say about going "off-script with the princess dolls" and dealing with this onslaught of pink.

My take on all of this? A little princess fantasy doesn't hurt. But only a little. AND when they're little. I know, i know, easy for me to say. I only have sons. Still, it is something to think about. After all, I'm not too keen on the idea of my boys taking out princesses on future dates. Imagine the expectations hanging over their heads to be the perfect Prince Charmings and give these "royals" their Happily Ever After? Scary thought. Oh, and does that mean MacDaddy will have to cough up the "castles"? An even scarier thought.

Not quite her Royal Highness,