Boy Oh Boy

Coming off a long, long silence with a mouthful about life with twins as I know it. Its a long, long one. Thanks (or no thanks!) to my favorite family editor and her one-thousand-plus word assignment for Working Mom's December issue.

We are all aware of the saying about life sometimes throwing us curve balls. We are also told we have a choice to simply swerve or hit them back like there’s no tomorrow. I don’t like curve balls. They come flying at you when you least expect it, and just as your life is going exactly as you’d hoped.

But that’s exactly what came my way when I was diagnosed with an advanced stage of breast cancer shortly after Miguel and I were married. My life in the next few years was nowhere near anything I had ever planned. My suddenly ‘cancer-charmed’ life involved the drastic but decisive removal of one breast, high-dose chemotherapy cocktails, dates with doctors that are just too many to count, a sudden complication where the surgeon was forced to remove an ovary and a stark realization that I may never have any children in my lifetime.

Peas in a pod

While most newly-wed couples make life-changing decisions and make strides to start a brand new family, I took some steps backward. Every day for five years I swallowed a tablet that gave my body a better chance to fight the cancer. Deep down I also knew that every day that I took it I was possibly reducing my chances of ever having children. It is strangely ironic that the one word a cancer survivor dreads is the exact same word a mom-to-be dreams of. Positive. I hoped really bad that I would one day defy the odds. That is exactly what happened just weeks after I got the “baby green-light” from my doctor. But there they were. The two blue lines. Pregnant. Weeks later , on my first routine ultrasound, and after I smugly thought nothing could surprise me anymore, life threw me the best curve ball yet. I was expecting twins.

I wish I could say that I was instantly overjoyed and ecstatic the way Miguel was. Minutes into that “shocker-of-a-checkup” he had already embraced a life with twins. My mind was on overdrive. Two strollers, two car seats, two cribs, two yayas!? I was in a state of shock. I knew that there were risks involved simply from it being a multiple birth. I was also well aware there were other issues to deal with. The sudden surge of estrogen many of us breast cancer survivors fear like the plague would be double the level as a direct result of carrying two. I also worried that I wouldn’t be able to cope with the challenges of mothering twins. Being a new mom seemed frightening enough. Two in one go seemed so much more than I could take on.

Luckily, carrying two babies was as easy as a pregnancy with multiples could ever be. There were discomforts but no major complications. Both boys were ideal weights and sizes (for singletons!). Some of my favorite photos to this day are moments captured during ultrasound. Like a game of Twister they would be elbow to forehead, butt to butt. I especially love the one with one foot right smack on his brother’s cheek. One boy giving the other a boot. A definite sign of things to come.

When that day finally came and I held Mikael and Matteo in my arms, I knew I was ready. Mikael was a spitting image of his dad. Matteo looked like me. Life was very good. It was also very fair.

Mothering Multiples

The first few months were nothing short of crazy. The logistical nightmare of a mom breastfeeding two starving infants with one breast is everything you would imagine and more. Sleep deprived though deliriously happy, there were many evenings spent cradling one in my arms while using my foot to rock the other in his bouncer.

When they were two years old, I enrolled them in a gym class. I was your typical first-time mom eager to let them try new things. As expected, they loved the class. On the final day each child was asked to stand up in front of everyone while the instructor said a little something about each child. Everyone would cheer and the little gym rat would get a little gift for completing the class. When it was the turn of one of my sons, the gym instructor started with something like “M is a happy, energetic boy. He learned how to tumble and use the balance beam before his brother…” and went on and on. My jaw dropped to the floor and I was thankful only for the fact that they were too young to understand and cared about nothing else but being handed the prize.

I went home and tore up their “graduation” certificates. They would never get the chance to read them. They needed, and will always need to be recognized for what each can do without diminishing the other. It is easy to fall into that trap with twins but I wish people would see that they are not each other’s yardstick. More importantly, I hope they grow up knowing that.

“Mama?” Mikael asked once. “Who do you love more? Me or Teo?” “Mik, Mama loves you both very much. And I love you exactly the same.” “Oh ya.” Mik said. “I love me and Teo the same too”. And they really do. So, yes, they do fight like cats and dogs but the bond is so strong, so palpable that when its just the three of us, there is no mistaking I am the third wheel.

Oh, Brother!

One day one of them came to me and asked “Isn’t it I’m the handsome one and he is the smart one?”Secretly seething and wondering where in the world he got that, I told him “I am your mom so I think you are both smart and handsome kids.”

I have come to accept that I cannot isolate them from a world where people tend to compare. It is human nature, after all. We do not live in a bubble nor do we want to. I am preparing myself for many more of these in the years to come. As for those that have had the chance to know them, it is easy to see how wonderfully different they are. How wonderful they each are. And I want them to grow up knowing that.

I recall once asking Matteo: “Can you bring me the book Rainbow Fish? Let’s read it for bedtime.”

“I have to ask Mikael if we can borrow it.”

I remember distinctly that that book was given to both of them.

“Huh? Why do we have to ask permission?”

“Because if the book has animals they’re his and if it has dinosaurs and cars they’re mine.”

And I instantly got it. In my illusions of a perfect world they would just throw everything they ever received to the pot, and it would be communal heaven. But in their own real world where they are made to share so much more than usual, they need to own things. They need to say ‘This is mine’. At times I find their favorite books and toys hidden from each other under each of their own beds. I am amused but understand how serious it is to them. And I respect that. They are five. I am thirty-something but I learn so much more from them.

Uncoupling the Twosome

Today, they are enrolled in one preschool but attend separate classes. The separation wasn’t a walk in the park in the beginning but we now all see the wisdom in it. They have their own teachers, their own friends, their own time, their own space. Matteo took “his” friend home once and I will never forget the heartbreak evident all over Mikael’s face. He got over it eventually and has had a few of his own friends over as well.

Another thing we’ve had to deal with is having only one child invited to a birthday party. I took my cue from the boys and ignored the first few invites until I figured they were ready. Matteo went to his first party while Miguel and I spent the afternoon with Mikael. Matteo was reluctant at first, Mikael seemed like a lost puppy without his brother but everyone - including us - had such a refreshingly good time. When it was Mikael’s turn, he backed out in the last minute unable to deal with leaving his brother behind. A week ago he finally went on his own and just as we assured him he would, he had a blast. Miguel and I are realizing more and more that we need more moments like that. They aren’t always the most cooperative about being separated but we will keep trying for their sake - and for ours as well.

Last year they celebrated their birthday together with a small group of friends in one of their favorite spots. The next day, they had a little party in each of their classrooms. The big grins on each of their faces that day were one of the widest, brightest smiles I have ever seen. I remember looking at each son thinking: His celebration is all his. His friends are his own. He gets that chance to shine alone.

And I understand completely how important this is, especially for two little people who had to elbow each other for room from the get-go. And I think they are blessed. They get to have it both ways.

And as a life ridden with curve balls go, mine isn’t anything I had ever envisioned. I have slashes and scars and missing parts but I walk holding one boy in each hand and have never felt more whole. I know that I am the most blessed. I have them both.

Are You Raising a Praise Junkie?

First, a shameless plug. Grab the June 2010 issue of Working Mom. I wrote an article about Singapore Math. It's quite the school buzzword these days, so I attempted to explain what it's about. There are tips on how you can incorporate Sing-Math concepts at home. Better than drill-and-kill methods, I promise. I also did a feature story on the effects of too much praise on children. Shocking but true: it breeds future underachievers. My draft of the article is posted below. Version polished by my lovely editor you can read for P120. But hey, that comes with the entire awesome Working Mom package!

It’s hard not to say, “good job” every time my daughter shows me her latest artwork or when she writes her name quite legibly for a 3-year-old. She has also started to read and I am impressed whenever she recognizes signs we pass by. I can’t help but pile on the wows--“wow, you really read that!” as I throw her a matching you-are-so-awesome-kiss.

There should be nothing wrong with letting my daughter know how proud I am of her early achievements. Children are told how much potential they have so they can rise to challenges and they don’t settle for mediocrity. We also want to build their self-esteem, right? This is why we tell them they’re so smart or they’re so galing. We put surprise notes in their lunchbox to tell them “you can do anything!” Then there are the star charts and reward stamps for every little task accomplished.

When Saying 'Good Job' Turns Bad

But if we pay attention to the growing body of research, we’ll see that too much praise and rewards can do our children more harm than good. US researchers have studied scores of middle and upper school underachievers -– from notable schools, with very involved parents –- who were once precocious youngsters. Parents, teachers and other adults couldn’t help but notice these early achievers so they got more than their fair share of good-jobs, stars and rewards.

Then on their way to middle school, all that praise backfired. How? As they realized that not everything comes easy. Handwriting needed a lot of practice. Scoring a goal was a struggle. Math wasn’t as joyful to learn as reading. The new teacher wasn’t easily impressed and had higher standards for good work. In middle school, challenge and failure hit them like ten-ton bricks.

Praise vs. Encouragement

Experts say, as children mature, encouragement is what we should emphasize—not praise. There is a difference between the two. But first, consider your child’s developmental stage. Babies and toddlers do benefit from praise directed at independent exploration. In a study of 24-month-old children, researchers observed how mothers responded to their toddlers while attempting a challenging task. These same families were invited back to the laboratory a year later and the children were tested again. Researchers found that the 36-month-old children who were most likely to tackle challenges—and to persist at a task—were the ones whose mothers had praised their independence at 24 months. The same results were seen among toddlers whose parents praised them specifically for proper behavior.

As your child turns into a preschooler, there’s a need to adjust your approach. It’s now time to reign-in the praise as you enter the world of big kids. Careful also with what you praise them for. If your child begins to display prodigy potential and you heap on the “you’re so smart” or “you’ve got the talent” – you could be setting her up for future underachievement. Because no matter how intelligent or talented any child is, she is bound to struggle with certain things. Someday, something will not come easy and instead of trying harder, a child whose ego has been over-stroked may opt to just… opt out.

The classic case of the underachiever—they’re afraid to do anything that could make them fail and lose the high praises they have learned to crave. Many underachievers are actually praise junkies.

Kids can also get the message that it’s either you’re naturally good at something or you’re not. They can be conditioned to think that if it doesn’t come easy or “naturally” there is no point in trying. You’ve probably heard “but mom, I just really suck at math!”

Positive Conditioning

To condition your child to face challenges with a positive attitude, use encouragement instead. Developmental Psychologists Jennifer Henderlong Corpus and Mark Lepper of Reed College in the US have analyzed over 30 years of studies on the effects of praise on children. They give us guidelines on how to do it right:

• Be sincere and specific with your praise. Praise only if you really mean it. Even young kids can sense insincerity or pandering. When praise is deserved, don’t say things like “you’re a genius!” Instead say, “You’re already learning how letters form words. You’re starting to read. That’s good!”

• Praise kids only for traits they have the power to change. To the same child above, you can say “the more you try to read other words, the better you will get, until you can read a book on your on.” Forget saying, “you’re so smart.” Stanford University psychologist Dr. Carol Dweck explains, “emphasizing natural intelligence takes it out of the child’s control, and it provides no recipe for responding to a failure.”

• Use descriptive praise that conveys realistic, attainable standards. Saying “I like how you use different shapes and textures in your collage” gives your child useful feedback. Her work was acknowledged and at the same time, you taught her what your standards were for a good collage. Saying, “you’re amazing!” or “that’s a masterpiece!” is not only vague, it can send the message, “I expect nothing less than a Picasso-level masterpiece missy!”

• Be careful about praising kids for achievements that come easily. Once it’s well established your child has mastered a skill, temper down the praises. My daughter rightfully earned praise the first few times she revealed her reading precocity. After that, I had to stop the wows for every road sign she decoded or every book she devoured all by herself. My daughter once said, “Mama look it says e-le-va-tor.” I was tempted to say “oh-my-gawd you’re only three and you read that with no visual clue of an actual elevator!” Instead I just gave her a bright smile and said, “Yes that sign says elevator.”

• Be careful about praising kids for doing what they already love to do. Your kid is a Lego brick master? Let him know you’re happy he works hard to build his creations every now and then. Do not call him Mr. Fantastic Future Engineer or tell him he’s “just awesome” every time he builds something. Yes, no matter how awesome his each-and-every Lego creation truly is.

• Encourage kids to focus on mastering skills—not on comparing themselves to others. If you will dish out the occasional good job, emphasize the effort rather than the outcome. Your daughter won the Gold at her school’s Math Olympics? Do not to harp on the fact that she bested other kids. Social comparison praise develops poor losers. The motivation should be doing your best or improving your self—not clobbering the competition.

A Certified Genius Speaks

Albert Einstein once said, “It’s not that I’m so smart. It’s just that I stay with problems longer.” A tad over-dramatic maybe, but Einstein was obviously very smart. The point is, whatever he achieved he had to work hard for. The Theory of Relativity did not just magically pop out of his head. Years of study, struggle and labor were involved.

We bring up Einstein’s work ethos because how we praise our children can make or break their ability to persist. Developmental experts believe persistence can be cultivated by using intermittent reinforcement. Washington University biologist Robert Cloninger explains, “A person who grows up getting too frequent rewards will not have persistence, because they’ll quit when the rewards disappear.”

Praise should not be withheld at all costs. It’s one way we show our kids we’re proud of them. As a motivating force it is quite powerful, but it does lose potency when overused. Use it way too much and praise can kill persistence--and even little Einsteins need persistence to make something out of all their potential.

Ken Robinson's 2010 TED Talk

Sharing a gift fresh from this morning's email inbox. Headlining this week's TED newsletter is Ken Robinson's follow up to his legendary 2006 talk on education reform. Now that it's 2010, he appends: forget evolution, today's kids need an education revolution.

He touches on what he calls "the tyranny of common sense" which is basically how people are afraid to let go of industrial age education paradigms that value conformity and linearity. Such as... Standardized tests! Punishing homework! Dogmas kids must never question! Never mind that this is the kind of education that dislocates so many people from their natural talents while stifling creativity and free-thinking. Listen to the man himself and click that PLAY button.

In a place like Manila where appearances, conformity, tradition and dogma still reign... Ken Robinson is practically subversive. But thankfully the revolution is afoot in our little part of the world.

This leads me to the April 2010 issue of Working Mom Magazine. If you're curious about progressive education in our own setting, they have two articles you might want to read.

One is called Traditional vs. Progressive where writer Minnie Francia debunks a few myths about alternative schools in Manila that are veering away from the old industrial model Robinson talks about. Another is called Teaching Life Lessons, where Angela Abaya, Christian Pangilinan and Minnie Francia share insights gathered from parents who decided to send their kids to progressive schools.

Read if you're open to... well, opening your minds. Warning: I was one of the parents interviewed for the Teaching Life Lessons article. Advanced apologies, in case our two-centavos-worth make you feel like putting your head in the oven!

When Kids Ask Tough Questions....

How do we answer? I asked the child experts and shared their wisdom in this month's issue of Working Mom Magazine.

Tell Me Why

experts answer tough questions kids ask

Inquiring young minds want to know: "How did I get inside your tummy?" A child who had just experienced the death of his Lola may ask: "Mama, are you going to die too? Questions like these may fluster even the most intelligent and enlightened parents.

When my son was two, he asked: "Why is the sky so big?" Hmmm... do I reply with science or do I get into my first existential conversation with him? I settled for a bit of both, but it really got me thinking. When my child gives me a tough question, how deep should I go? How specific? I want to be honest but, what if I confuse him more? Suddenly I had more questions than my son.

So, I turned to the pros. Child experts give us advice on what--and what not--to say in answer to 8 tricky questions kids can ask:

1 Why did Lola have to die?

Bennie Ancheta-Veloso, curriculum director of Explorations Preschool and mom to 5-year-old Mauro advises against saying "Lola is just asleep" or "resting." First of all, it's just not true. Young children don't grasp euphemisms well. If Lola was taken by an illness, a good approach is to emphasize that she does not feel any pain or "owee" anymore. Don't forget to clarify that death happens when people are extremely sick, so your child is not terrified by his own sniffles.

Bringing God into the discussion at too-young an age is also tricky territory. My 4-year-old niece was devastated when her favorite Lolo passed away. In an effort to appease her, she was told Lolo was taken by God to live with him in Heaven. Now she's upset with God because "he takes people away and never gives them back!" When talking to young children about death, explain the facts first without the spiritual aspect. You can discuss your religious beliefs another time.

Teacher Bennie offers advice that's good for any question thrown your way-- always look for context. Asking where the question comes from (a book, a TV show, or an experience?) will guide you in what direction to take your answer. Be honest about death being inevitable, but keep your answer brief. Add details only if your child has follow-up questions.

2 How did I get inside your tummy?

Deborah Rothman wrote the book Sex and Sensibility: The Thinking Parent's Guide to Talking About Sex. She says a question like this does not necessarily call for a talk about the birds and the bees. A small child just wants to know: "How did I get here?"

If your 3-year-old son asks you this question, he's not asking for details about your sex life. You just have to give him a little biology lesson. If your child is curious about how the sperm enters mommy's body, you can say: "When adults make a baby, the vagina and penis fit together like puzzle pieces so the sperm can go in to meet the egg."

Teacher Bennie gave her inquisitive preschool son this answer, as she drew him a "scientific" illustration: "Daddy has a kind of seed inside his body called a sperm, and I have an egg inside mine. This sperm from daddy joined up with the egg inside me. The sperm swam to my egg using its strong tail. It swam very, very fast."

3 Why do they say Tito John is gay?

Rothman suggests you first clarify what a couple is. Give examples like you and your husband, an aunt and uncle your child knows are married. Explain that couples love each other in a special way. They love each other's company so much that they spend a lot of time together or get married like mom and dad. Then explain how there are cases when couples are made up of two men or two women. Since Tito John has a boyfriend, not a girlfriend, then he is gay. In case Tito John is single, say he prefers that his special someone would be a man like himself, not a woman.

Kids will often take this simple, factual answer. Tell your child that they may hear the word "gay" used negatively and that it is nasty to use the word that way. Use this as a teaching moment to explain tolerance and acceptance of different people.

4 If God is real, why can't I see him?

Didi Manahan, directress of Keys Grade School, says she is conscious about being theologically accurate when answering questions about God. A practicing Catholic, she would respond this way:

"There are many things that are real that we can't see. We can't see the air, but we believe it is there because we can see it rustling leaves or feel it cool our faces. We can't see radio waves, but we know they are there because they make our cell phones and internet work. In the same way, we can't see God, but we can see the things He does. When you are extra patient with your brother that is God working through you. When people helped the victims of Ondoy without being asked, that's God working through them.

5 If God is good, why are there bad people and poor people?

Teacher Didi says that if you do not have a ready-response, it's fine to admit this to your child. Explain that you need time to think about your answer or even do some research. She herself took time to think this one out and came up with this reply:

"There are poor people and there are bad people not because God made them that way, but because of bad choices that people make. God did not promise he would get rid of poverty or bad people. What he promised us is that even if we sometimes do bad things, he will love us. He also promised that if we are sorry for the bad things we do, when it is time for us to join Him in Heaven He will welcome us. He made this promise to everyone."

6 Mom and dad are fighting, are they going to get a divorce?

Leah See, assistant directress of Keys Grade School says, "This particular question is very telling of a child's anxiety. It's important to affirm your child's feelings first, then give your answer." Here's how she would reply:

"I can see you're upset because your mom and dad are fighting. Moms and dads try their best to love each other, but sometimes they disagree and that can lead to an argument. When they argue or fight it doesn't mean they are getting a divorce or that they don't love each other anymore. They just have to figure out how to resolve their disagreement."

7 Why is Sandro's house bigger and nicer than ours?

This question reflects an unintended form of peer pressure and a child's wish to be more like his friend or for you to be more like his parents. Joe Sibayan, curriculum coordinator of Keys Grade School advises against using statements like "they are richer" or "we are poorer" or "because we can't afford it." This can make a child feel deprived, maybe even skew his sense of values towards materialism -- or stir up envy.

Assure your child you have enough resources to care for the family, but emphasize that being rich in love and happiness is more important than material wealth. Here's how teacher Joe would put it:

"Grown-ups decide to do different things with their money. Sandro's parents decided to spend a lot of money on making their house nice and big. We decided to spend it on other things, like that nice trip we took last year and saving money for your school. How did you feel when you saw Sandro's house was so big and nice? I hope you felt happy for him, because that's how we should feel when we see other people have nice things."

8 Why is f@_k! a bad word?

Emphasize to your child that words in themselves are not bad, but the intention behind saying them can be the problem, says teacher Joe. Remember previous question No. 3? If your child is reprimanded for blurting an expletive and asks why that word is bad, here's how he would explain it:

"You know that you can touch in different ways, right? There's a touch that's loving, like when you hug or shake hands. There's a touch that hurts, like when hands are used to hit someone. It's the same when you talk. You can talk in a loving way by using gentle words. But there are words that can hurt. Those words you just said are words that hurt others, so we choose not to say them."

60 Things Plus a Comedy of Errors

That is, 60 Things Every Child Should do by Age 10 - one of my articles for the latest issue of Working Mom.

Dec 2009 - Jan 2010 issue, out in news stands now.

Thank you to all the cool parents who contributed to this. Good to think of such things as we enter a new year....

Nana said, "swim with dolphins" and "save for something really awesome and buy it." Mocs said, "play under the rain." Carlo said, "eat fish balls from a cart on the street" and "crack a semi-green joke in tagalog." Tito Cholo said, "learn to be entertained with a blank piece of paper and pencil." Jamie said, "be amazed at your own good looks, just like Dad!" KC said, "pick and cook the first of many harvests." Rone said, "learn to let your parents use the bathroom in peace." Kourtney said, "be unafraid of making mistakes." Debbie said, "ride a bike in the Tour of the Fireflies." Ana said, "voluntarily give some of your toys away to the less fortunate." Kara said, "be the barkada of your lolos and lolas." Sylvia said, "plan a party." I said, "go to Bohol, see a tarsier up close" and "read a book that made you cry."

There's so much more - from the simple, to the profound, to the funny... to the funny and profound. Naaks. Grab a copy for the rest and the usual WM fare of articles for thinking, proactive parents. Promo!

And, and, AND... I should highlight one of the best comedy of errors I have ever been involved in - thanks to friends with a tongue-in-cheek facebook info pages, oh-so-innocent editors (I love ya B!) and the porn industry. Taadaaah...

I nearly spit my coffee when I saw the job description.

Now if you don't know what Vivid Video, Inc. is, I can't help you. Google it na lang. It was my biggest laugh of the week, turned mini facebook sensation. Apology and erratum next issue for cool parent, LOL-funny-friend Ojay. Merry Mix-up to you from The Working Moms!

And I'd like to add to the list item No. 61 - "learn to laugh at yourself!"

Dating in the 21st Century

Peacekeeping, playdates, a puzzle piece and the politics of it all. Written for Working Mom magazine.

I watch from a calculated distance as two boys cunningly sit on the jigsaw pieces a girl we have over is looking for to complete the puzzle she painstakingly worked on. I confess I would ordinarily be half-amused. Except I can’t be. This is my home and those are my boys.

Welcome to my world. I am a mother of twin toddler boys. Hand in hand with this responsibility comes an occasional stint as human jungle gym, wrestling referee, toy police and peacekeeper. With every stone left unturned, every detail sorted out, I certainly used to be the classic role model for faultless preparation. And then the boys arrived - completely unplanned.

As I watch them with the I SPY jumbo floor puzzle pieces scrunched in between their behinds and the colored floor mats, I realize I have no plan. More importantly, am I expected to have one?

Welcome to the world of playdates. The playdate is something many children (mine included) look forward to. There is no question socialization is a huge and important part of any youngster’s early childhood development. What better way for children to learn and have the chance to share toys with friends than the playdate. Thrust into their own mini social circle, they have the opportunity to be both hosts and guests, learn to compromise, take turns and even resolve conflicts.

But you all know what they say about the best laid plans. Sometimes that carefully planned playdate is anything but playful. Just how involved should we be? When should we back off and when should we jump right in?

BACKING OFF

As in most situations, particularly those involving at least two little people, it is inevitable that conflicts will arise. Let them work things out on their own.

As parents, we are there to equip them with the necessary tools to solve their problems. We are not their problem solvers. "Children teach each other friendship through play," says Michael Thompson, PhD, coauthor of Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Worlds of Children. "If you're micromanaging the kids, it's not play-it's an adult-run activity."

“Playdates are a great opportunity for your preschooler to learn social skills,” explains Myrna Shure, developmental psychologist and educator, “ but they require plenty of patience and conscientiousness on your part to run smoothly. When your child yanks a toy car away from his playmate, resist the urge to lecture, take the truck away, give him a time-out, or send his visitor home. Negative approaches such as these might curb the behavior for the moment, but since you're doing all the thinking and the enforcing, your preschooler learns nothing about how to get along in the future. Take a positive approach, one that encourages him to think for himself and sets the stage for problem solving in the future.”

SCENARIO #1: “I WANT MY TOY BACK. MINE! MINE! MINE!”

If I had a peso for every time I heard “That’s MINE” on a playdate I would have one impressive coin collection. What to do? Take one step back. Keep a careful eye and a keen ear but don’t jump right in at the slightest hint of tension. This will help send a clear message that you trust your child to settle matters into his/her own hands.

If this doesn’t work take half a step forward. Suggest other toys they might like but ultimately let them decide on how the toy should be shared. This is also an opportune time to create a diversion and bring out the time-tested favorites. We can always count on bubbles, markers and stickers to unstick sticky situations.

SCENARIO #2: ‘IT KEEPS FALLING DOWN!”

Are the two playmates and your daughter having trouble assembling the dollhouse or stacking up the Dado cubes? Take 2 steps back. Resist the temptation to come right in and set it up for them. With enough practice they will get it eventually, fine tune their motor skills and learn to tolerate frustration in the process.

SCENARIO #3: “NO NOT LIKE THAT. I WANT TO BE FIRST”

Confused and conflicted on how the Pinoy Domino game should be played and who should go first? Take 3 steps back. Afford them the space they need. Allow them to experiment, negotiate, and make up their own rules.

STEPPING IN

There are, of course, instances when we need to be more than spectators. If you notice your toddler is becoming aggressive and angry words are being exchanged do not waste time and step in. Discuss with everyone in the playgroup and help them process where all that irritability is coming from.

“Children in this age group have difficulty in understanding anyone’s perspective other than their own. Everything and everyone in their environment is ‘mine.’” “Understand that he’s not going to be willing to share toys or wait for his turn, and be prepared to intervene,” says Patricia Robertson, coordinator at Seneca College’s School of Early Childhood Education. When to intervene? Robertson suggests parents step in when your toddler is hurting another child, your toddler is getting hurt or your toddler is damaging toys, furniture or other things.

SCENARIO #1 : ‘HE HIT ME! HE BIT ME!”

When your toddler inflicts harm on another or when the playdate turns into a battle, this is time to step in. Remove the toy that is causing the tension, and sit down with your child and help him understand someone is hurt because of his actions. This is also a good time to give the group firm advice. Explain to each of them that hurting, grabbing, and sinking their teeth into each other are definite no-nos. When the playdate is over, discuss with him again about the importance of being kind and thoughtful towards others and teach him there is always a better way to get what he wants.

If the toddler that swings the first punch is someone else’s child should we correct him? “Two simple rules: Never tell another parent how she should raise her child, and never discipline a child who's not your own. Parents have their own way of addressing their child's behavior, says Marilyn Segal, developmental psychologist, “and though you may wish wholeheartedly that the other parent would rein in her child more firmly, it's not your call.”

SCENARIO #2 “WHAT DO WE DO NOW?”

When boredom suddenly sets in bring out the craft, baking or art project you prepared just in case. Might be a good time for snacks as well. Gather all the little ones in your kitchen and make snack time part of the fun. Shaping their own sandwiches with cookie cutters, watching the popcorn pop in the microwave and adding their own toppings over the yogurt are always sure hits.

SCENARIO # 3 “I HATE YOU. YOU’RE A *&%^%$#!”

Sometimes conflicts escalate into verbal confrontations where angry and inappropriate words are exchanged. For starters don’t attempt to solve things with equally hurtful words. Monkey see, monkey do. Maintain a picture of calm yet be firm. "Marco, I can't let you do that to Enzo. I’m sorry but we cannot use words like that around here." Explain that those words are not acceptable. See if the kids can come up with a compromise. If all else fails, separate the children for a while or introduce a new activity.

It took a lot for me not to step in. Realizing she couldn’t finish her puzzle, our guest, Little Miss Sunshine peacefully walked over to a corner of the room to play with a new toy that caught her fancy. Thankfully, Mr. Crafty and Mr. Wily found a new distraction as well. Minutes later she discovers the missing pieces, puts in the puzzle’s finishing touches and all three gather to admire her masterpiece.

As I watch and breathe a sigh of relief, I realize that it is not only the little ones that gain from these dates. I just learned a thing or two or three. Sometimes the biggest lessons we learn come from the littlest people.